Last night, Chelsea and I took the toddlers to the Tots playground in Cold Spring, and then to Whistling Willies for dinner.
All was going quite well until the very end when both our toddlers had to go to the bathroom.
I should have taken it as an omen, but I dismissed the fact that my sandal strap broke as I got out of the car right before entering the restaurant as merely the inevitable. They were my favorite abused sandals from Walmart in Atlanta that I purchased almost ten years ago, so the time had come.
Anyway, I was wrong. The broken strap was definitely a sign that something else would snap later on.
They were small restrooms, kind of grungy, especially the Men's room, so I thought best that Olivia go with Mama and Milo with me. Of course, neither would have it. Each wanted to go with the other parent.
Acting quickly I deceived Milo into seeing "the BIG" porcelain urinal. Alas, I could hear Olivia screaming as if her mother was torturing her, so I opened the door and took them both in. Crouching on bare knees to hold Olivia while holding onto a broken sandal with my toes and simultaneously ensuring Milo did not touch anything was a stretch for my multitasking-ass.
Of course, Olivia did not really have "to go," so I tried to put on a new diaper while she was standing (not easy) and then had to scrunch each kid under my armpit, one at a time, so they could wash their hands - another challenge, especially as each child became impatient and upset and began screaming to demonstrate that they were not happy.
Now, it was apparently the parent abusing our kids.
By the time we had emerged, Olivia was a raging mad toddler and she made sure that everyone within the town limits of Cold Spring knew.
Chelsea asked "Did you pay yet?" Perplexed, I simply nudged Milo to his mother and tried to dig out my wallet as I handed it, more like tossed it, to Chelsea, while I tried to escape with Olivia, so that her screaming tantrum would no longer be amplified by Willes four walls, but rather be complemented by the breeze of the temperate summer evening.
Once outside, the fresh air seemingly only invigorated Olivia and gave her the oxygen she needed to take her lovely tantrum a pitch higher.
With my ears ringing I quickly opened the car door and strapped her in her car seat, while hushing her with promises of a big stuffed bird we had in a big box of toys that we had just acquired from Tamsin.
Still sobbing, with cheeks wet with the frustration that her parents could not meet her needs for whatever mysterious reason, the big bird saved the day. She half-slept on the twenty minute ride home.
Relieved, Chelsea and I ignorantly thought it was over, as we plotted, agreeing to each take a sleeping child up to their beds.
When Olivia awoke she announced in no clearer terms that our troubles had only begun, and began to scream bloody murder as her mama tried to put on her princess pajamas.
After seeing that Milo was placated and ecstatically preoccupied with playing with his new noisy monster truck from the hand-over ("here, now it's your turn to clean up the clutter") box, I ran upstairs to see if I could help tame the beast.
Upon opening the bedroom door, Olivia came over to her Papa and placed her weeping head on my shoulder, as I carried her over to the bathtub to rinse off the residual playground sand and dust, and more importantly, to run warm soothing water over her.
It worked. Yay. We got her dressed, brushed her hair and teeth, while Chelsea did the same for Milo.
Finally, I rocked Olivia in my arms, while Chelsea laid down next to Milo and we sang the nightly Christmas songs that the kids require as lullabies (Santa, Rudolph, Frosty).
Within in a minute of the last refrain, both of our little monsters were out cold and we escaped exhausted ourselves, although, well knowing we could not yet go to sleep, because there was much work to be done, even though it was 10 pm on a Sunday night and we could barely keep our eyes open. Ugh. Double-ugh.
Hence, this presentation of a very special Toddlers edition of parenting memes. Parental discretion advised.
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